How He Loves Me

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of
His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and
I realize just how beautiful
You are and how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when
I think about the way

That he loves us,
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves

These lyrics are AMAZING! I just cannot get over this song. Everytime I hear it, I'm filled with more awe of God, and I "get it" so much more. This song is just beautiful. The words. The meaning. Everything. I love how figurative the language is and I think it describes it perfectly. I think everytime I hear this song I burst out in praise (and singing, usually in my car at the top of my lungs), and sometimes I cry.

A friend and I talked the other day about how some people claim that worship songs today are too much about "us" and not "Him," and that's why they don't like them. Well, I'm not a hater of either side just to put it out there. But I didn't think that was true. When I heard this song again today in chapel, I started thinking about it. This song is talking about how He loves US.... so it could definitely be taken that way (as in "this song is about me ") if you want to be cynical. But if you truly see the purpose behind the song and all of the imagery there is NO way that you can see that this way. This song is TOTALLY all about God. It's about how he loves us so much that it doesn't even make sense because he's so amazing and forever and perfect and we are so human and frail and sinful. But he is SO GREAT AND MERCRIFUL that he loves me anyway. No, this song is not about me. This song is all about God. All about how he has redeamed me, an undeserving person, and how THAT makes me worthy.

Sigh. What a beautiful message.

Silence

Sorry for the silence. I'm such an internal processor sometimes that I hate writing my thoughts until I'm sure of the "end result"... whether of an action, of my thoughts, or of something else. However, the problem is that I usually never get the end result without having another hurdle... thus, I never blog. Also, if I blog while I'm processing things still, I sometimes tend to sound harsh when I don't mean to (such as in my last post). I realize there is a need for Christians in the workforce, including as teachers... I'm so thankful for the Christian teachers I have had. I simply don't think that that is God's calling for my life, which is fine. I just have to be careful not to assume what God's calling is in other people's lives.

All that said, I recently began a new blog for both Ben and I. Instead of being more about my thoughts, it will be about our lives and what God is doing in us, through us... our journey. I figured people would appreciate it, especially if we head off to the missions field. I think we will be thankful for look back on it as well.

If you want to read it, go to my profile and click on the other blog - Millers with a Mission :) I wrote one post so far, but I'm sure it will get updated frequently along the way.

Senior Year, Here I Come!!

Wow... a senior in college? What?! That means LIFE and OLDNESS begins soon! It's really incredible to think t.hat I am almost done with college already. And yet, I still am so indecisive about what I will do with my life. Let me just say that I officially changed my major BACK a few days ago. Yes, a year ago I added education to my English major meaning I wanted to be a teacher or at least have the right to be a teacher. I took lots of [boring] ed. classes last year, observed some off hours, talked about being a teacher, and so on. And all of that came to a few weeks ago with me thinking and praying and realizing I DIDN'T WANT TO BE A TEACHER!! What was I thinking? I quickly researched classes and realized I could get all of the mission classes in for the mission minor so now I am back to being an English major with a mission minor as I was to begin with. The exciting this is that the ed. program made it so that I had to go an extra semester, but now I am back to graduating in May which is super exciting to me. And I don't have to student teach which I was absolutely dreading.
I think teaching was something I added because it was safe. It's a job I knew I could count on and "English Education" is a major you can tell someone you're studying and they don't ask, "What do you want to do with that??" Now English with a missions minor, on the other hand, causes lots of questions. But I remembered the other week that I need to get over caring with other people think. I also realized that I was "glorifying" teaching. "Glorifying" is something many girls do with boyfriends... they pick out only the good parts and dwell on those and make a guy into someone he's not just to justify staying with him. I think I did this with teaching as I just felt that I NEEDED to get my teaching degree. But YUCK... no way do I want to teach in a traditional classroom full-time.
Ultimately, I want to be a missionary. I want to serve Christ with my life far more than teaching would allow me to. I know people say, "You can serve God anywhere," and truly you can. But let's be honest. Public school systems and the government have lots of rules against even mentioning God's name in school, so most likely I would spend 7 hours of my day not being able to mention, let alone change the world, for the God I love and long to use my life serving.
I really think God is calling Ben and I to be missionaries. I know God is always changing us, molding us, and guiding us in life, but at this point, Ben and I are strongly thinking of tribal missions with an organization like New Tribes, perhaps.
I'm not sure if I ever mentioned on here that Ben and I almost built a house... we had almost everything done and ready for us to have a house built- we had picked out everything for the house, found a neighborhood, etc. Man, I just can't be thankful enough for God opening our eyes (through the book "Crazy Love " by Francis Chan) to the fact that this was not his plan for us. I honestly get a little sick to the stomach when I think about the "what ifs" of if Ben and I had a house being built right now. As fun as it would be to have our own house- esp. a NEW one... we would be stuck here at least for the next 5 years, but probably 10 years. Beyond that, I have been reading Shane Claiborne's "Irresistable Revolution," and I know if I had a house being built I would feel incredible guilty that there are so many people starving and dying around the world while I sit in my comfortable house and go to my comfortable church and wear my comfortable clothes and fit in with every other person in the world except for the fact that I claim to love and follow a God who loves the poor and cares for the needy.
Let's just say this: God has been challenging just about everything I believe lately, and he has really been messing up my world and my life. It's exciting, but scary.

I'm ready...

First. I stink at blogs.

Second. I'm enjoying summer but it is definitely going waayyyyy too fast. And the weather has not made it feel like summer which is a bummer.

Third. Going camping this weekend. Can't wait. I love camping.

Finally. I'm ready... ready to be done with college to do other things... I'm enjoying "right now," but I just feel stuck.

Coltin

My cousin Coltin was in a terrible car accident on Good Friday- on the 10th of April. 3 weeks ago. He is 16- he was hit on his side. I received a call from my mom while I was home "Alisha, did you hear?" She was in FL on spring break, but I kinda thought she was calling about something stupid to be honest. "No" I say. She replies "Your cousin Coltin has been in a terrible accident. Your uncle is on his way. We don't know anything. They won't even tell him if he's dead or alive." I've never had any family under the age of 90 die in my life. I think these were the scariest words I may have ever heard. I raced to the hospital... he was alive. For days we didn't know if he was going to make it. He was unconscious, and things looked bad.

People prayed. People prayed. People prayed.

Fastforward: Today. He opens his eyes. He moves around. He TALKS. He can WALK with help. He REMEMBERS. He has little or no brain damage.

And all I can say is PRAISE GOD!!!

And why? I really truly believe it's because people prayed. And some people didn't just pray the way I do--- where I take 2 minutes to pray hard for him and do nothing else, but then the rest of the time during the day that I pray for him is inbetween things or while I'm doing something else (don't get me wrong- I think God totally listens to these prayers too)-- but some people PRAYED. They prayed for hours and hours and hours straight without stopping. THAT and God's SOVEREINTY is what healed him.

I know I have a lot of bolds, but that's because this has been an exciting process. Truly, there are people who were in the exact same situation as him that died. He didn't wake up for an entire week! They thought at some points that he may have severe brain damage for the rest of his life. But yet, he is clearly on his way right now to a full recovery. I love nothing more than seeing God fully at work. To see God's hand in something. There's no other way to explain Coltin's situation, and I truly hope everyone who sees it will see it as just that.

Even if he had died, I know God would have been sovereign. There were truly points at first when I came grips to this truth because we just didn't know. But MAN I'm so so glad that God has chosen to answer man's prayer in this way. So glad to see Coltin with breath and life still :)

That has been my life lately.

Blessed-- vs. Suffering

So I've been thinking a lot about the subject of blessings lately as I feel like God has been blessing me. I've gotten both of the jobs I wanted for this summer/next school year and feel like that is a HUGE blessing, especially in this economy. They're also leadership-type jobs, and I feel like I am constantly being blessed with getting leadership positions. I have this AMAZING scholarship that I don't even know how I earned ... I mean, besides the fact that God loves me and must want to do something amazing with me (which scares me because how can I be amazing? Such responsibility!), I have a great and caring husband, I have a good family who brought me up well (and good in-laws), I have been able to travel the world, I have a computer and TV, I have a house, I have been attending school for 16 years now (something very few people in this world ever have the chance to do), I have a closet full of clothes and a pantry full of food, I have a car, and I have around six Bibles in my house. I could go on and on, but these things alone set me apart from most of the world in being one of the most privileged and blessed. And sometimes... a lot of times... I just wonder WHY? And a lot of times... I think "Well, God must want to USE me."
But this is where it all gets sticky with me. You see, USE ME... to me... seems like I should be in some third world country serving him. And to be quite honest, I love third-world countries and would have no problem living in one. But sometimes I don't really think that's where God wants me. He's given me such a gift for mentoring-type relationships and a passion for youth, and maybe I'm supposed to use that here in the U.S. to help raise up the next generation.
But then I think about when I went to Africa. Honestly, I would say I was closest to God during that summer. And when I think about all of the times in general when I was closest to God, they were a result of suffering (if you could even call it that) or going through tougher times in my life. I long for those times when I feel closest to God even if it means being in an unfamiliar place, but I wonder if I'm just doing it all wrong. I mean, if I really think that God wants me here in the U.S., and if I continue being blessed here, how do I feel as close to God as I do when I'm suffering? Is it wrong not to "feel close" if I am still spending time with him daily? I mean, how much should our "feelings" play into our relationship with God? And if I'm not suffering, is it wrong? Should I have daily sufferings as a result of living a full sold-out-for-God life?

I know this is a lot of questions and not a lot of answers. Because I don't have them. I just need to write down what I'm thinking. I just look in the Bible at the people I respect the most and I see how a lot of them suffered so much... but yet... well- I'm going to stop there.

SPRING BREAK!

Time just goes so fast.... But I'm excited because my Spring Break starts TODAY!!! Oh, how I needed this break. Now, I have this long list of things I hope to get done over break- mostly school things because I'm somewhat of a nerd like that. I probably will only accomplish half of my list through, if that. I always have high expectations for breaks and then before I know it the break is gone. I have lots of friends going to fun places and warm places. Right now, I think it would be wonderful to be in FL rather than cold, flooding Indiana. However, I never can relax very well over Spring Break because I have all these big projects and tests looming over me. Therefore, Ben and I are going to FL in May which will be much more fun probably. I can't believe by then I will be a senior!! Man, college flew by. Speaking over Senior year, I had my whole schedule figured out - I did that at the beginning of this year when I decided to add Education to my major last minute. I went online last night just to check my schedule one last time and make sure all the classes were the same time, and GO FIGURE... one of my ed classes has changed times and it doesn't even fit in my schedule now. I don't really know what I'm going to do about it, but I've learned to just not worry about it. That's my advisor's job :). That is probably the one thing I would change about Grace College if I could change anything- make them stop changing when they offer classes all the time!! I've had to re-figure my schedule so many times since I've been at Grace. Also, because I'm ridiculous and added Ed my junior year, I have to go an extra semester. Sometimes this bugs me, but I know in the end I will be glad I did it.

Hmm, well I don't really have anything else. My brain has shut off today considering Spring Break has started, so I don't have any profound thoughts.

Just.... busy. And sick :(

So I'm getting over a yucky week-long sickness right now. I think it was some form of the flu, but who ever knows with those sicknesses. They really all seem the same to me- you go through five boxes of tissues (or in my case, three rolls of toilet paper), a bag of cough drops, a bottle of cough medicine, and just feel like crap for all of them.

Also, I've been busy. School is full swing now, and like always, I'm trying to be a perfectionist and get all As which means I spend way more time on schoolwork than probably necessary. I mean, what other student actually reads every word in a textbook?

And... the biggest busy-ness is my new puppy Jack. Ben and I were deciding between a Wii and a puppy for our birthday gift to ourselves (we have the same birthday). Well, we decided on a puppy because we thought he would interest us for longer. Unfortunately, puppies take way more time than I have, but I really do love him. He's the cutest little guy ever. He is a cairn terrier and he won't get much bigger than 12 pounds full grown. I DO NOT like big dogs. However, at this point Jack does not know how to poop outside, and he is teething which means he bites my couch, my schoolbag, my foot, my hand, my Biblecase, and basically anything else he can get his teeth on... of course, he has toys, but he never wants to bite them. He also really likes to chew on cords, so we have to hide those from him.

So basically, I know no one reads this, but I decided that it's important for me to write my thoughts down, so I'm going to continue to blog... I also stink at keeping a pen and paper journal, so this works much better for me. Oh, but I do want to thank Sophie, because I realized today that she is my first followerer! I feel like I have accomplished something. :) Sophie, I'm enjoying reading about your adventures and your thoughts.... they are encouraging to me!

Picture Post!

Just some pictures for fun :)... because I like pictures

Below: Me and Ben- my husband and best friend :D

Friends from church - Katie (my sister-in-law), Sarah, Beth, and I at Christmastime

School best friends!!! Lyndsay, me, Kylee, Liz, Val, and Abbey- at our homecoming

Sisters... me, Kelly, Nikki, and Brianna for Nate and Kelly's wedding :)

Our other darling sister... Tiffy. I love this picture because it shows her tomboy-ness.. haha, playing with worms!!Karly, my RA last year :)

A1E! Oh, how I loved this hall. Me, Amanda, Baily (my awesome roommate), Alisha, and Brittany

High school BFFS... Jessica, Laura, and me... freshman year of college. My very favorite wedding picture :)

FRENCH

French may be the death of me... I'm in my final semester (as an English major we're required to take four semesters of a language). Now, I really don't know why I decided to take French. I took three years of Spanish in high school, so clearly, that would have been the smarter choice. Now I just confuse myself because I always think tiene in French means "to have" (or he/she/it has), but clearly that is its Spanish meaning, and in French it means "holds." Anyways, for some reason I thought that French may be helpful to know (but now I'm English Ed, and in all the schools around here there's at least 30% Hispanic so I don't think speaking to these students in French is going to be very helpful)... I don't know... incase I end up in Cote d'Ivoire for the rest of my life, you know? Or Canada. But I am fascinated by languages; I just hate being graded on it, and I have no idea how I've made it through 3 semesters of French while take 15 other credits. It's ridiculous. I bow down to all language majors. I also think they're all crazy.

So, even though I am counting down the chapters until I'm done with French (only 8 more left!!!!), and I really do sometimes think it might be the death of me (becuase it never allows me to sleep), and I do get frustrated because I sometimes/often think "WHEN WILL I EVER USE THIS?!?!", I know it's been good for me. I was observing in a classroom last semester, and the students had to write a short essay, and they were timed. A Hispanic girl was in the classroom, and she knew limited English, and I could 100% put myself in her shoes. It's also really helped me to understand people who struggle with school. I have worked my butt off in this class... um, I have cried over this class... and basically, I have realized how blessed I am that school usually comes easy for me. Learning another language is completely humbling. It's also AWESOME to think that a year and half ago I knew NOTHING in French... I mean, I knew bonjour and oui, but I thought "oui" was spelled "wi"... no joke! And now I can carry a somewhat unintelligent, confusing 4-year old conversation. It's very exciting.

Today History is Made

Today a new president has taken office. In being our first black president, Barack Obama makes history.

I am watching a special on him and today's events right now. And something hit me. Today really IS a very special and very important day to sooo many people. Throughout the whole election process, I always got somewhat annoyed when people talked about "history being made" if he was voted, and I was frustrated when black people were interviewed over and over explaining how important this all was. I thought, "Oh, all these people are just voting for him because he's black which is stupid because it would be wrong if I did that as a white person." But I realized something as I was watching the special tonight. (First, let me mention that I know not all of these people voted for him simply because of his skin color). BUT I do think there are plenty of black people that voted for Obama partly because of his skin, and I realized tonight that that's fair. I have NO clue what it's like to be in the minority. I have been so blessed to live in the most wealthy nation and to be born as the dominant race in this most wealthy country. Even though I was still unborn at the time, it was really not that long ago when black people were fighting for their rights and being so wrongly treated. I put myself in their shoes tonight and realized if I had a history... many, many family members... who had been treated in this way, I would see today as the most important day in history. I have no idea what the next four years will bring, but I can honestly say that I am thankful to live in a country where people are slowly learning to look beyond race. And I am happy for what this means to so, so many of my black brothers and sisters today.

I know God called us to live beyond the color of our skin, and I'm sad that something so silly as our color has caused so much hatred.

Popularity, People Pleaser

Popularity. This is something I've struggled with since... at least middle school. I always want to be popular. I'm not sure why. I think some of it has to do with the fact that I am a people pleaser. I want people to like me, and I want to be a nice person. But it goes beyond this. I really do want people to like me, but I especially want the RIGHT people to like me... the people that will make me... well, popular. When I think back on my life, I can see how this desire has easily influenced a lot of things and a lot of friendships. In middle school, it basically made my life awful. I cared way too much about being friends with certain people, that I think I sometimes sacrificed true friendships and tried too hard at friendships that were shallow. When I moved to Indiana, I immediately knew I wanted to be friends with the popular kids. My school in Indiana was nothing like my school in Pennsylvania. People were SO nice here, especially in 8th grade, and I easily made friends... including with the popular kids. But I realize if I hadn't cared about being popular, I might not have made friends with these people. I'm glad I did because some of them were the most amazing people... and wonderful Christians. But I know popularity affected my decision on who my closest friends would be. I don't think I've cared as much about popularity in college because it's so different, but I know that "part" of me is definitely still evident. I'm still a people pleaser. I still try to become friends with way more people than I have time for (I've been learning a lot about why Jesus only had 12 disciples and not 100!!!), and I know there's a part of me that would love to be voted homecoming queen next year. And I think about it and wonder why? Why does it matter how I am associated? Why does it matter if I am popular? What have I sacrificed to hold that position? How do I change that ridiculous desire in me?

I know that God has blessed me through this weekness of mine though. He has brought the right kind of popular people in my life. I fear what my life would be like now if my family had stayed in PA. Thankfully, the popular friends he provided me with here in Indiana have been ones who love the Lord. God has been so good. I can't count the number of times he has saved me from going down the wrong path.

I'm fascinated whenever I meet beautiful people in college who I find out were not popular in high school... and I realize it's because they just didn't care. They didn't need that association. They still don't need it now in college. I think I'm good at hiding this desire in me, but I know it's there even if others don't, and I wish I could be like my friends who just don't care. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to "not care," but I'm at least working on not making it such a pivotal part of my life. My relationships should be based on God, on love, on similarities, and on caring... not on popularity.

Reflecting on the past...

So I've been thinking about my past mission trips as I think about IF Ben and I did go into missions, where would I want to go? Of course, this is a decision we would make together, but as I'm the thinker and he's not... I'm sure he's not even thinking about this right now as we're not going anywhere at least for the next two years (finishing school and stuff blah blah blah). So anyway, I've been on three mission trips. The first one was in 2005 with Operation Barnabas. It was an in-country mission trip, and my team travelled to Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, and Iowa. From it, I learned that I don't think church ministry is my passion. If I was involved in church ministry, I would definitely want to help with the youth group. I love teenagers!

In 2006, I went with Teen Missions International to Malawi, Africa. This was definitely the best summer of my life. I can't say that I feel called to Africa for life (although I'm open to it), but Africa is truly an amazing place. They have so many corrupt things about them (although Malawi is generally one of the better African countries... we did see some Spirit worshipping though)... but the people are just so content and happy. I loved hearing them sing more than anything else. I also could not believe how generous they were in letting us do things before them, when things such as getting water was their LIFE. It's so sad how many orphans are in Malawi, and in Africa in general. AIDS is just wiping out their population.


In 2007, I went to Wales in the UK. I've always been interested in going here because I have family from this country. It's a beautiful, beautiful country.... but also a very lost place. I would assume it's pretty close to the US, but the people I met there who were Christians had a distorted view of what being a Christian meant. Sooo many people have messed up families because of drugs and divorse. The lady below had gotten into some really bad things, and so I met her at Save the Family, an organization we worked with in Wales. They help save families who have fallen apart from things like drugs. Isn't her daughter adorable? She loved her more than anything. My heart was broken for these people, but I don't know.... I'm not sure how to reach them. It's such a challenge.

There are so many things I can do and so many places I can go. If Ben and I go into missions, I would love for him to be able to use his construction knowledge. He's so good at it. I'm really interested in human and sex trafficking and think it would be amazing to help out victims of this (but also very hard).

Well, that's all my rambling. btw, it's been snowing ALL morning. Please let it GO AWAY!

Plans, plans, plans

So first, before plans, I want to talk about tonight. Ben and I recently joined a small group with our church (as in last week... so this was our second week). We started going to this church a few months ago and thought it would be good to get to know people. Tonight they invited a couple who are planning to be missionaries with New Tribes in PNG (Papau New Guniea), and I always think it's inspiring to hear from missionaries. I don't really think I feel called to missions like New Tribe missions... not that God can't change my heart, but I don't think those are mine and Ben's passions... but I still think it's amazing what God is doing through that ministry... I mean... people going to a tribe that has never truly heard of Christ and sharing the message... so powerful!!! Okay, that was just a side note... onto what I came on here to write about...

Last night I went with Ben's sister Becca to see Marley & Me. Now I'm not really a dog person (I don't like things that jump up on me and have nasty breath), but the movie was good. The thing I got from it the most is that it's okay for our plans to be changed. The main lady in the film says at one point (and this is not an exact quote), "None of this was in my plans!! But I wouldn't change it for the world." (referring to the fact that she has 3 children, a crazy dog, and is a stay-at-home mom living in Philadelphia). I loved this. I have a problem, I admit. I make plans way too much. I want to plan my life, and I don't know how to stop. At this point, I'm at a crossroads. Ben is working construction, and I'm a major in English Education. So, we could live here our whole life, him working construction and me teaching in a high school. And I like that life. For the most part. I think I would enjoy it. But then I have this other huge passion which is missions and reaching out to those who have less than us or who have been treated wrongly, in countries other than America in particular. And, honestly, I have no idea which one my life will choose. I don't know where I will be in 10 years. I can see myself in both. There are pros and cons to both. On top of all this, I wonder and try to figure out where children will fit in. And truly, I want to follow God... but I also want to plan, and it's so hard to make myself stop planning. The movie was a good reminder though that it's okay. Things will be fine even if I my life goes completely different than I imagine or plan. Because I believe in God, I can trust this even more... the way my life goes is completely in God's control, and I am so thankful that I know he has plans to prosper me and not harm me... so I will be okay. :)

reviving the account

So a friend of mine (one who I haven't seen in 7 years but would still very much consider a friend) is going to Uganda, and she sent me her blogspot as a way to keep in touch with her. I remembered then that a long time ago I had started a blogspot. So I tried to sign it, and what do you know?... I did have a blogspot! The only one I had left was one for Operation Barnabas... a mission trip I had went on... and it was pretty pathetic. It was just a way to talk with other people on the trip, and I didn't write down any true feelings. So, I deleted it. But then blogspot told me that I should create a new blog, and I listened of course. So here we are. The revival of my blogspot. I'm not sure how great I will be at writing here, especially once school starts again, but I will try.