Popularity, People Pleaser

Popularity. This is something I've struggled with since... at least middle school. I always want to be popular. I'm not sure why. I think some of it has to do with the fact that I am a people pleaser. I want people to like me, and I want to be a nice person. But it goes beyond this. I really do want people to like me, but I especially want the RIGHT people to like me... the people that will make me... well, popular. When I think back on my life, I can see how this desire has easily influenced a lot of things and a lot of friendships. In middle school, it basically made my life awful. I cared way too much about being friends with certain people, that I think I sometimes sacrificed true friendships and tried too hard at friendships that were shallow. When I moved to Indiana, I immediately knew I wanted to be friends with the popular kids. My school in Indiana was nothing like my school in Pennsylvania. People were SO nice here, especially in 8th grade, and I easily made friends... including with the popular kids. But I realize if I hadn't cared about being popular, I might not have made friends with these people. I'm glad I did because some of them were the most amazing people... and wonderful Christians. But I know popularity affected my decision on who my closest friends would be. I don't think I've cared as much about popularity in college because it's so different, but I know that "part" of me is definitely still evident. I'm still a people pleaser. I still try to become friends with way more people than I have time for (I've been learning a lot about why Jesus only had 12 disciples and not 100!!!), and I know there's a part of me that would love to be voted homecoming queen next year. And I think about it and wonder why? Why does it matter how I am associated? Why does it matter if I am popular? What have I sacrificed to hold that position? How do I change that ridiculous desire in me?

I know that God has blessed me through this weekness of mine though. He has brought the right kind of popular people in my life. I fear what my life would be like now if my family had stayed in PA. Thankfully, the popular friends he provided me with here in Indiana have been ones who love the Lord. God has been so good. I can't count the number of times he has saved me from going down the wrong path.

I'm fascinated whenever I meet beautiful people in college who I find out were not popular in high school... and I realize it's because they just didn't care. They didn't need that association. They still don't need it now in college. I think I'm good at hiding this desire in me, but I know it's there even if others don't, and I wish I could be like my friends who just don't care. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to "not care," but I'm at least working on not making it such a pivotal part of my life. My relationships should be based on God, on love, on similarities, and on caring... not on popularity.